Worcester 2010

And now we go live to Worcester race course where the penultimate league event of the season is about to start.
Hello, can you hear me Jake?
Hi there<fzzz>Sophie<crackle>we<fzz>chicken suit<crackle><buzzz>monkeys<zzzz><crack>banana daquiri<whuzz>
I'm sorry we appear to be having a bit of technical difficulty. We'll bring you the live feed as soon as we can...
6 days later
and now back somewhat "live" to Worcester - damn this new Freeview reception.

Hi there Jake?
Hi Sophie, welcome back to Worcester. Well they've all gone home a long time ago now but sit back and enjoy the live feed that we would have given you - pretend you're watching it on Dave ("Amathus TV" anyone??).

Welcome, everyone, to Worcester race course. Home to some fast donkeys and fast boats. We'll be bringing you a packed day of racing, all the news and views, we'll be wandering up and down the pit lanes, poking our noses anywhere we feel like and generally bringing you as much goss as we can find here on the banks of the Thames,... I'm sorry the Trent,.. no, what's that in my earpiece.. oh, sorry the Severn.

Up here at the western end of the pits we have the current league title holders in their black and yellow, next to them we have pretenders to the crown, the old boys from the past, dragging themselves back into the present in their blue with a little bit of white. Last minute preparations going on to their blown diffusers. There does appear to be a lot of exhaust gas going on too.
Somewhat further down we have the other pretenders (geddit?) in their blue and pink. As we know the league is wide open with only two races to go. You can really sense the pressure to perform today.

Over now to Martin on the race course
Blub blub gurgle
Oops, Martins grid walk appears to be a little water logged. We'll get him out and dry him off.
Over, instead to Eddie, who's checking out the start. Hi Eddie
Hi Jake
Hows the going today?
Well, obviously, it's very wet going. Bit of a flow here on the river. Water levels have risen a bit overnight. Hopefully, this will reduce the shallows at the edge of the course a wee bit. With this flow the races will be quick and those starts are going to be all important.
Talking of the starts, Eddie, is it true that we have one of those new start systems here today?
I'm glad you asked Jake. That's right - they're trialling one of those new "talking bush" starts. But not only that, it's a real special one, it's the "Menzies Tree" start. For sure it's going to be a special day.

Well just before the start a quick word about the boat loading this weekend. That was something a bit special wasn't it David?
Yes indeed Jake. When I was racing...
Shut up David. Eddie, tell us about the boat loading.
Well it was good today. People telling you where to go and when to go there. Most organised. Something we've not seen the like of since the start of the year. But I think it was still helpful to be first in the queue.
Thanks Eddie. Looks like the first race is about to start and Martin has dried off a bit, ready to lead us through the racing.
Over to you Martin.

Thanks Jake. Hello everyone. Race 1 is about to start. And, as predicted, those starts are going to be crucial. The Menzies Tree is having a hard time lining them all up. The flow is really testing the helms and "the back 6" are having a right hard time going back a half metre all the time. But we're off - no sooner are they down and ready than they're gone. Quick starts the order of the day then.

Well there we go. Races 1 to racety-two. The form book pretty much staying on form.

There's talk that Rob C is being indecisive. But we can't be sure.
We had a chat with him earlier today and he tells us that he's going to be talking to Steve Jobs later. Trying to get him to go into business with his rivals - a Blackberry and Apple sounds so much more appealing. All we need is the "custard app".

The Batch boys (and girls) seem to have given themselves a tough task for the 500 semi. Lane 1 and the resurgent Worcester in lane 2 - and a big mention to Pershore in the cup semi (I think that was the race). Only the winner goes through. Once again this is "the most important race of the year" - yawn.
The Batch boat is through - but there's a lot of coughing and spluttering going on and Nigel is grinning like a Cheshire cat in the Reds boat.

Rumour has it that "Bangsie" was seen to smile, albeit briefly, on the way to the 500 final - I think someone was offering him a big kiss on his tickly 'tache if he let Batchworth win - seems he wasn't quite sure how to play it.

We're at the line for the grand final. But they've been called back and told to sit tight. There's a spot of barge racing going on up the river. Those big old boats can really motor - sometimes they appear to be overtaking people walking up the bank, incredible. But then the baywatch dinghy appears to speed them along. Tom "budgie smuggler" L thinks he's just spotted his granny in her orange lifeguard swimsuit. We hope he's wrong. There's the faint sound of dueling banjos on the breeze - someone sure has a pretty mouth, apparently.

Finally the Menzies Tree beckons. Onto the line then. The Amathus boat seems to be hugging lane 0 and the Batch boat appears to be hugging them. It's certainly a very narrow 2 metres between them. Much banter and equally much calls for "eyes in the boat" and "focus". Frank pours himself another cuppa and moves about an inch to the right. That's better. They're off.

That was probably the longest and most painful 420m of a 500m race in the history of cut down 500m racing. Smiles and cheers from the black and yellow. The Batch pick leaves and branches out of their hair after their foray by the bank. They couldn't find any more talking bushes though. The Royals wonder who got second - as do they all.

They find out soon enough.

And with that, there's just time for us to wrap this up with a big thanks to the organisers and officials and your diety of choice for controlling the weather. We leave you now with the knowledge that it's all down to the very last race of the season. Winner Takes All in London - Duel in the Docks - in two weeks time. Or three months ago if you're watching it on Dave.


Dum...da da daah da da dummy dum dum [tunes are so difficult to visualise]